I’m giving up

I’ve giving up on a lot of things. It’s not that i’m a quitter or i’m depressed, I’m just tired and I’ve decided to be done with everything. AHHHH it’s good to get that off my chest!

On a happier note my children (including the man) are all playing happily with all our new toys. My play area is a huge American debauchery. BUT I LOVE IT!!!!! I’m sure a few hundred kids would love to have just one of our toys and they will I just have to go through them first- DREAM CENTER HEAR I COME. It’ll be like I’m a female santa after Christmas… I guess that’s not at all the same thing but’s I’m excited to give lots of our stuff to people who are in need and will actually enjoy it.

randome christmas

I love christmas. The world is a little nicer. And I get to shop for a reason.  I am greatly anticipating christmas this year!!!! The older kids know what’s going on- and they still believe in santa (i think it’s cool I never believed in santa) and J gets excited really easily and knows how to open gifts. My families…. I think it’ll be fun too. Well at least we all will have somehting to talk about after our gatherings.  I hope this year my anderton family (as a whole) will finally accept my children as actual- real- true family members, and not as some one elses blood  (blood is only as thick as you make it). It would be cool.  I always get warm fuzzies from my memories. I have so many memories of christmas past- many people, food, laughter. I have bad memories too. But you take the bad while expecting good, and live your life like you dream. Do good things for others, unselfishly and a million miles outside your comfort zone. Oh and I love our new church- it’s so cool.

MY MY

Look at our world! Obama is president elect. Blogoyavich got caught, finally. It’s ten days until christmas. The stock market and economy are tendering between crashing and recovering. The US is on the brink of becoming the USSR or somehting close to it. One of my sisterinlaws is pregnent (that I know of). My job still sucks- well that has stayed constant! My husband is in charge of the finacnes.  And ya know what?! I don’t care about one thing right now!!! You should try it, it’s great.

We started a new church about 2 months ago. I really like it. I’ve hated church for a long time- so this is big for me.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I will be stuck in the same job dealing with the same shit for a really long time- student loans Yeah!!!

The end.

I feel sick. My joints hurt, and they are hot. I have a head ache and a back ache. I always reel back into myself, like nothing or now one else igsists. I always think about things that are hidden deep inside. A part of me is in constant agony over casey’s death. Right now I want to cry so hard my brain hurts. I walked down the hall with my nite gown on and felt an incredible seance of emptiness. I am all alone. I don’t think I will every have another baby every again. It is sad to me. I have three of the brightest most wonderful kids on the face of the earth and I don’t think I will ever have another one. I will be forever alone in my skin. I will never feel a baby kick or roll or have the hiccups.  I hate making big decisions. I hate not knowing the consiquence of my decisions. I hate not knowing the future. I don’t like what we have done to ourselves, I don’t like to hurt. The end.

That was cold

we went camping… it was cold, then it rained and every one left.

We still had LOTS of fun.

live the life

Comprehend our place right now. Collectively where americans are. There shouldn’t be any question about why we are at the place we are and why we are hurting like we are. We are greedy, we always want more and never say no to the appearance of advancment, we are vane and self centered. There’s no dening it- you can’t even try.

Now picutre THE perfect world… not YOUR perfect world. It may be a place in which all our needs are met, we share resources, we look out for eachother.

Then try to think of the ultimate sacrifise any one person could make. Would it be monitary, would it be of one’s family or time? Would it be freedom or liberty or happiness. Could any sacrifise be truly alteristic?

Contemplate it. Turn it over in your head. Then let me know.

Daddys

My husband is a good dad. Last night after a full day of partying it up like a three year old, we came home later. I took the boys to bed and he stayed up with Hallie and they both sat at the table. they talked about rectangles and counting and she read to him and he helped her write and draw. Then he got all her papers together, gathered a few items and made sure she was set for school, in the am. WOW, and I didn’t have to remind him once what she needed. What a great Dad.

Implications

dEFINITIONS. Our society is built on them. The founding fathers wrote mountains of documents to support and strengthen our constitution. THey have shaped the way Americans define law, view points and political stance. The Bible also HAD mountains and mountains of supporting documents- many of which have been removed or destroyed through out mellenia. Never the less people still believe in and worship the God that the Bible tells about. Living in the midwest, many people believe in both documents and many people base decisions on them. Corporate decisions, personal decisions, Moral and ethical decisions, big and small decisions. Some people send a word up to God about a left turn vs a right turn, while others can only ask God why me or why now. Constitutional or political decisions usually have to do with how things are run, budget balancing, making sure things are executed fairly.  Knowledge of our constitution and bill of rights gives us many privileges that countless others through out the world just dream about.  The Bible- especially in the new testament- talks about forsaking yourself, ‘taking up your cross’ to follow, doing things that please God. about the only thing that both documents are similar on are that they both ask that all of us do things, make decisions, and live our lives with a greater purpose, a larger reason, and for something bigger than ourselves.

(part 1)

Boiling

I have never meet any one person who made my blood boil more that me ex- mother in law. I say ex just to distance my self from her- she is my first husbands mother and she’s COMPLETLY CRAZY. I mean in a sereous way, there is not one sane thing about that woman. She is kiniving, manipulative and self centered, she believes there is no life or world outside her circle and rejects the very thought of it’s existence. When my first husband was alive he loved her but only tolorated her. I don’t really know all the details but she was mean, cruil and down right nasty to him more often than not- through out his whole life. So back story: the day he died she kept repeating “it’s ok Spence, go to the light, go to the bright light, Case, it’s ok just move toward it”. I think I heard that phrase at least 5 hundred times that day. Near the evening she said it yet again and I lost it. I told her “he’ll go when he damn well pleases, he doesn’t need directions or permiss ion to die, just let him be. ” She yelled at me, I told her her voice was annoying, and I began to back her out the door. I’m pretty sure I shut the door in her face, I didn’t back down, I didn’t give her any wiggle room. She needed to go take some time and cool down. All the while She was still yelling about how aweful I was that I was forcing her to leave her son on his death bed. I did ask her to leave, she was talking and it was annoying, I just wanted some peace in his room. So she over reacted and actually left the hospital. I did leave the hospital at 10 that night, went home got a shower and crawled into bed. The nurse called me to let him know that his heart rate had reached 180 and was have arrhythmia and his temp was nearing 106- all signs that his brain stem was about to herniate- drop through the base of his skull and stop all body activity (bodily death). So I calmly got dressed and drove the speed limit all 32 miles to the hospital. I knew it was the last time I would drive there and the last time I would see him alive. So I walked into the room and the staff told me they were going to move him so we all could be with him as he passed (I thought yeah right he wont make it) Casey’s dad leaned over to him and told him I was there and almost imeadietly his heart rate began to drop. I did not know where his mom was so I had his best friend call her to let her know he was about ready to go- his heart rate was hovering around 60. He died about 15 minites after I got there- how sweet. His mom eventually did come, about30- 45 minuted after he passed. She came waltzing down the hall with his carved cane in hand, read him a buddist passege about how to find the ‘right’ lite and left just like she came in- smearking and looking straight forward. That is the last time I saw her and the last time I talked to her. So she called today. After all the crap that has been happening to our home the past three weeks (or lack ther of for that matter), I was hot. I could feel my heart thumping outside my chest and through my throat. All I kept repeating was, “Please don’t leave me a messege,  please don’t leave me a messege”, I didn’t know what I was going to do if she did! So she didn’t and I’m glad. I can’t even begin to know what is happening in that womans mind- it scarres me! There are very few moments that I contimplate letting her back in. I look as my kids and remeber why I shut that door… and why I never want to open it again. When the time comes and the older kids ask about their birth Dad’s family I will tell them the truth as I lived it. They can make their own desisions when they are moved out and responsable for the reprocussions that it may bring about. In the mean time I will protect them no matter what the cost.

RASH

Fall doesn’t usually bring about memories of gental rainfalls or soggy days. And it shouldn’t, untill God said “take it up the butt’.  So we are water logged. Water coming in our newly installed and still un finished egress windows in the kids rooms, water coming up through the foundation in our main room with the de- watering system. Yes you read it right, we have a de- watering system and there is standing water in our living area. So our carpet is trashed, our padding unsalvagable. I’m not sure yet but we may be installing tile, fixing up a few other minor things and placing a for sale sign in our front yard. I’m completely over our ‘great’ house, and ‘owning is way better than renting’ and all the other home ownership cheches. Yeah real dumb move on our part.

So as soon as they tell me, i’m ready to sign and become a USAF nurse. We’ll sell the house to some stupid nieve couple- make a little bundle off the sale, pack up the kiddos and all our stuff and head for where ever the wind takes us. My job sucks, my house sucks- in water, and i’m through dealing with this set of problems and ready to move on to whatever comes next.

Enough said.