I’m giving up

I’ve giving up on a lot of things. It’s not that i’m a quitter or i’m depressed, I’m just tired and I’ve decided to be done with everything. AHHHH it’s good to get that off my chest!

On a happier note my children (including the man) are all playing happily with all our new toys. My play area is a huge American debauchery. BUT I LOVE IT!!!!! I’m sure a few hundred kids would love to have just one of our toys and they will I just have to go through them first- DREAM CENTER HEAR I COME. It’ll be like I’m a female santa after Christmas… I guess that’s not at all the same thing but’s I’m excited to give lots of our stuff to people who are in need and will actually enjoy it.

The end.

I feel sick. My joints hurt, and they are hot. I have a head ache and a back ache. I always reel back into myself, like nothing or now one else igsists. I always think about things that are hidden deep inside. A part of me is in constant agony over casey’s death. Right now I want to cry so hard my brain hurts. I walked down the hall with my nite gown on and felt an incredible seance of emptiness. I am all alone. I don’t think I will every have another baby every again. It is sad to me. I have three of the brightest most wonderful kids on the face of the earth and I don’t think I will ever have another one. I will be forever alone in my skin. I will never feel a baby kick or roll or have the hiccups.  I hate making big decisions. I hate not knowing the consiquence of my decisions. I hate not knowing the future. I don’t like what we have done to ourselves, I don’t like to hurt. The end.

That was cold

we went camping… it was cold, then it rained and every one left.

We still had LOTS of fun.

ok so it really pisses me off when people to stupid things and there are a lot of stupid things going on in my family right now

A new addition

I have had a lot of things on my mind lately. Have been spending a lot of time with family and friends, get togethers, play dates, other things too. I have observed lots of things I like, I don’t like and I simply don’t care about. It would be way too obvious to speak of such things, so I will not.

I have never had a problem of feeling discontent (like I don’t have what I want). I feel such feelings are stupid because you can’t do anything about something you have no control over. I do my best every day to avoid anything that even appears to dabble in discontent. Still something in me is unsettled. I have not been able to place my finger on it, but something is askew. I will figure it out.

Even though it’s been discussed and pretty much decided on, I still wonder if we will ever have another baby. I love love love my IDU (TMI i know, my blog my rules) and i works wonderfully. I would like to have a fourth baby. I would really like to adopt a school age boy. We have selected our agency and have had out first meeting. Now next in our adoption journey is to attend PRIDE classes and a home study course. We will see, we have yet to decide. I used to see pregnant women and long to be pregnant again. I do not feel that way after Jacob’s birth. Rather I see them and kinda laugh- like haha glad its u not me. So Im not sure, I do miss feeling the babies move and flip, knowing I’m not alone in my skin, and just feeling special because I’m carrying the worlds hope. But that’s a dumb reason to want to have another baby. We are happy at three and if that’s all we can have or all we will ever have I’m completle content. We have wonderful, great, happy children and that’s all any parent could ever ask for!

I am ten pounds lighter that a month ago. We started at the gym. So far I’ve pumped it and hurt my legs, attached it and jacked up my knee, stepped it and hurt my ankle, ran and hurt my hip, and swam and threw out my shoulder. But I’m still ten pounds lighter, who knew it would be so painful, getting old is a bitch!

I worry about my two oldest. Their birth dad died and I know they will be grieving his loss in one way or another for much of their lives. So I watch them closely for any signs of distress or emotional change. Now with that said as a kid I have night terrors and sleep walking and talking was quit frequent too. I used to cry because I was so scared go to bed and sleep. My oldest daughter is a lot like me, so when I heard her playing to the Lord two nights ago I was worried. I stood by the monitor and listened: “Dear Lord, I love you and I love Jesus. I really want a chinchilla. Oh please oh please send a chinchilla to me for my pet, i love chinchillas and I really want one for a pet.” I went down to see her (I had just gotten home from work), took her temp- 100.2- gave her some Tylenol and layed down by her and talked to her. I said “a little birdy told me that you wanted a chinchilla.” She sat up and excitedly said “what kind of little birdy?!!” It was sweet and funny and how could I deny her! So the next morning I called a chinchilla breeder. We are expecting our new little addition in about 4 weeks! We have ordered a three foot high cage, hay and some other things too. I want to shop with the kids to get a few things so they know and understand a real chinchilla is actually comming! We have yet to buy feed/treats, bedding, h2o bottle, bath, a wheel, chews/toys. My goal is to have everything we need so we don;t have to rush out and get something. I called the Vet today and the gal who answered the phone was so excited for us and gave me some good information.

Our family is faced with some hard financial decisions. Using no dollar values, Imagen two years of a salary, roll that into a hefty student loan. Ok now try to stomach paying for it for the next twenty years! Yikes! I know. So our options are not very plentiful. We can not do anything and pay it for years. Or we could do something more proactive. Become a military family. Now before you get your panties in a bunch, it is only a thought at this point in time. We have little information, only that there is a sign on bonus and substantial loan repayment options, not to mention free housing/utilities, healthcare, child care/schools and good on base benefits. Lots of different thoughts on this, I know. He could go in, He and I could go in, I could go in…Decisions decisions. The kids, the animal, the house, all things we must consider. My first husband and others in his family, my brother and grandpa, others in my husbands family- all service men, it’s in our family, we are American it’s in our blood. Our families are supportive of us, no matter what our decisions. So it is our alone, we will see.

Baby Velociraptor is calling. Oh and he likes the saucer- thanks James and Amanda. Until next time.

Oh

Oh how, oh how to pay off student loans!

we might be paying for our last 2 years of living for the next 10- 20!

Woops!

holy COW

So In the spirit of barbeque’s and swim suit season, I bought a few new outfits and 2 new swim suits. I’ve worn them all a few times, so I know what I look like in them. So I put on my fav red top with comfy summer leghth kakis… my hip looked smaller… I couldn’t believe it! I put on my new pretty flower swim suit and my tummy looked less round!!! So this moving thing is working just fine: down 4 lbs.

I’m STILL breast feeding. It’s winding down and I’m ready to quit.

THe pool is cloudy, it kinda looks like cool blue water. The kids and I went for a dip today. The sky was clear, the kids were happy and it was fun. My first time this summer!

I love drinks. especially when I can customize the drink to my mood. I mostly like blue rasberry, but cherry and cirtis flavors and colors are fun too! Yeah Sonic Is Coming Right Down The Street!!!! 1/2 price happy hour is within our reach!!! And not oo may calories either, I can taste the drink too!

Our TV only has 50 or so channels, I’m going through withdraws. And since I would rather spend time with my family I would rather further decrease our services to 12 channels?… We’ll see.  We do watch mostly movies, so I suppose it wouldn’t matter, and we would have more free $ just flouting around to be sucked down into our gas tank. I heard the other day $5 a gallon by 4th of July… I have no feelings or thoughts, it’s just a shame that we haven’t been able to get beyond  ourselves to solve our problems. If people could just step back and think objectively about a situation… we would probably still be in the garden. It makes me sad.

My husband is golfing… He’s going out tonight with his buddies… And ‘taking’ us to a cook out (right) and he may be going on a bike ride too. I hope all this satisfied his need (at least for a little while) to be an independent family man.

All babies are sleeping and so must I.

the kids

Well We made it through our vacation. After many many hours in the van, 5 major city stops and 8 day trips we survived with three kids under 5!

The day we got back we went down town and became members of the Riverplex. We have gone everyday doing step, attack, pump and spinning. We have walked a mile after ever work out. I enjoy it, after being pregnant for a year it is wonderful to actually move my body and not have to worry about shearing off my placenta. The added bonus I’ve lost 1.6 lbs already and I wasn’t even trying!!!!! So I move and I get skinny, I’m cool with that!

Colton has exploded with his language skills. He is talking more and more everyday. We can understand almost everything, just the other day he asked if he could have more “juicy broccoli”!!!! First off what 2 year old likes broccoli AND describes it as juicy! He loves air planes and choo choo trains, so that’s the majority of his focus.

Jacob is doing wonderful. He is babbling and spitting.  He is sitting up all on his own and doing well with self feeding and eating solids, and he is down to 3 bottles a day. Next I think we will start using a sippy cup! He is growing so fast too, already in 9-12 month clothing!!! All I can say is I’m glad that he has a Big brother.
Hallie has finished her first week of VBS at Grace.  I went to that church when I was  kid so I figured why not send her too. She enjoyed it and the people there are mostly nice. We are looking at a really long summer home, she is already talking about turning 5 and starting kindergarten.  I’ve all but made the decision to put her into the public school system. We weren’t satisfied with her private education so we are going to try something different this year.

Well the initial intention for this entry was not at all what it turned out to be. Maybe I’ll touch on that later.

….

….

SHAME ON YOU

Honoring my baby

I was browsing our local newspaper online. WHile I found this artical: honoring her babies . All I can say is I am discussed and heart wrenched. My stillborn baby is buried with hers at St marges in west peoria. I chose not to go the the burial, and I continue to chose not to go the our little baby’s grave site. I feel that death is a sacred transition, it should be remembered in more private ways. After all we all experience death in very different and very private ways. The reason I have not gone to my baby’s earthly tomb? My baby is in heaven. And I do not want to see all those home made crappy handcrafted concrete ‘headstones’ parents have left there.  Those belong in your back yard or by your front door (like mine), Not littering the place and taking away from the simple beauty of my child’s resting place. There are those of us that want peace and serenity when we visit our lost children. Not ratty stones and busted up concrete.